AP Lang project: make a webpage with various pieces of satire! It's time to make fun of anti-vaxxers.
Anti-Vaxxers are everywhere. Let's see what they want.
(Mountain House) - “I don’t wanna put all these chemicals in my body,” says Anti-Vaxxer Henry, who says he is proud to be eating at McDonalds daily. As COVID-19 mRNA vaccines have become more readily available amid mass production efforts, there have been an increasing number of protests across the country. The unrest comes as more states enact COVID-19 vaccine mandates, requiring citizens to be vaccinated or they would be denied entry to public spaces.
“You don’t know they haven’t put microchips in there,” says another Anti-Vaxxer at a protest in Washington D.C., “the government is probably trying to spy on us and control our minds.”
With the rapid progression of nanotechnology, concerns of governments and corporations implanting microchips and other genetically modified substances into vaccines have risen in recent years. In the process of genetic modification, the DNA in plants and animals are altered to add traits that improve their manufacturability, such as being able to reproduce faster or be more resistant to disease. In 2019, a study by the Pew Research Center found that 86% of all foods sold in the United States contain an ingredient that is genetically modified.
“But just as foods can be genetically modified to improve manufacturability, the same processes can be used to implant chips and cellular instructions into medical injections such as vaccines,” explains George Box, who claims to be a licensed research scientist at the Stevens Institute of Medical Innovation. He continues, “these cellular instructions can be programmed to deteriorate the health of individuals and even control the electrical impulses in the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for movement and decision making.”
In response to the anti-vaccination protests, US President Joe Biden issued an announcement reassuring the public of the safety of the vaccines.
“Under no circumstances would we ever inject microchips into our citizens under the guise of a vaccine,” explained the President, “that would cost way too much to manufacture.”
This story is developing.
(Mountain House) - The new COVID-19 vaccine is out, but I will absolutely not be getting it. Here’s why.
There is widespread commotion about the new COVID-19 vaccine, created from mRNA technology. This vaccine contains a strand of DNA that supposedly teaches your body how to construct a copy of the Sars-CoV-2 virus, which your immune system is then supposed to attack. And that’s exactly why I don’t trust it.
DNA is central to the function of your body. It defines how you look, your personality, how you act, and just about anything else that makes you unique. It is therefore imperative that you ensure the health and quality of your DNA. Should your DNA be damaged or artificially altered, it could literally change your life forever. After all, that is exactly what happens when you have cancer: some of your DNA is unintentionally altered, causing your cells to multiply uncontrollably and take over your body. DNA is not something to be played around with.
But that is exactly what so-called doctors are trying to get you to do with these vaccines. They are trying to inject DNA into your body, which gives your body a series of coded instructions. DNA was never intended to be injected into your body like this. It’s like allowing some remote hacker to mess up the system files in your computer, causing your computer to become corrupt and leaking all your data to those hackers. You don’t know what kind of DNA they are trying to inject into your body - it could very well include instructions to hack into your brain and construct some transmitter that allows your mind to be controlled by the FBI. At the very least, the DNA could interfere with the DNA already in your body, and the next morning you wake up with purple skin and a blind eye. These mRNA vaccines are a severe violation of our personal health and freedoms!
(Mountain House) - Bill Gates created COVID, and I’m here to prove it.
Bill Gates has always been a wicked, evil, nasty man. Unlike his peer, Steve Jobs who created Apple, Gates created Microsoft. Clearly this means he hates health as apples are healthy and microsofts aren’t. This was my first red flag about Gates, but over-time I’ve become more and more suspicious.
First let’s start with the fact that he married a woman named Melinda. Seems normal at first, until you realize that Melinda consists of 7 letters. You know what other word is 7 letters, VACCINE, the same thing the leftists are pushing as a response to covid. If Bill didn’t create covid, why would he marry a woman who’s name has the same amount of letters? This alone is weird, but that’s not it. Microsoft's most famous software’s name is Windows, guess how many letters are in windows, SEVEN! Clearly 7 is a common theme with Bill, because HE created covid!
The next reason I believe Bill Gates created covid is due to his love of computers. Clearly anyone who likes computers, would also be interested in being as close to them as possible. This is why he made covid, so we would be forced to get his vaccine with microsoft chips inside. He thinks all of us are as weirdly obsessed with computers as he is, WRONG! The rest of us like living healthy, normal, holistic lives. I eat completely plant based meats & align my chakras daily due to weirdos like Gates.
Overall, everyone should be wary of Covid & the vaccine as they were made by Bill gates and his wicked corporate sponsors. It is time to see the light, and for us truly woke Americans to wake the rest of the country up to these schemes. True scholars will understand, but liberal snowflake followers will continue to try to push their wicked agenda, so stay strong.
(Mountain House) - Say No to Vaccines
It is becoming increasingly concerning seeing the number of people getting vaccinated this year. I have yet to receive a single dose of that poison and I do not plan on doing so anytime soon. If I want to put myself, and those around me at risk of disease, then that is my choice. This is America; a free country.
A few viruses and bacteria won’t hurt, if anything, it will make us stronger. People are becoming so weak, relying on unnatural chemicals to fight off diseases for them. Have they ever heard of an immune system? These vaccines are extremely unnecessary. If you really need to use something to treat sickness, healing crystals and rosemary essential oil are exceedingly effective alternatives. According to research found on Facebook, they have natural healing properties and do not contain any unsafe and harsh toxins. I only use credible sources of information to avoid the large amount of misinformation research scientists are spreading, brainwashing countless people.
I am also aware of the FBI’s plan to watch our every move. They are definitely implanting microchips with the new booster shots. I know that my cellphones, smartwatches, and social media accounts are already being tracked and monitored to collect all my personal data, but these so-called vaccine microchips are where I draw the line! With all these taxes I have to pay every year, the government is probably funding a scheme to chip every American citizen.
Thankfully, the anti-vax movement will help put a stop to this catastrophe. I refuse to simply sit back and watch as our freedom and safety is being stripped away from us by these vaccines. We have been doing just fine without vaccinations for years. It is better to let the process of natural selection take place to keep the human race at the top of the food chain. For the sake of humanities’ well-being, vaccine clinics need to be abolished immediately.
(Mountain House) - Why I Do Not Support the COVID-19 Vaccine
Remember getting sick as a kid? You didn’t need any gosh-darned vaccine to deal with it. We dealt with it the old-fashioned way: by letting viral particles fountain out of your mouth and nose and letting the weak and old die. This is how we separated the strong from the weak and we didn’t need any liberal wussy vaccine.
But nowadays, a tiny little Kung Flu comes around and EVERYBODY’s taking that gosh darned jab! Don’t you know that the Chinese Laboratories made the virus and worked with the Illuminati to make the jab? Don’t you know how much gosh damned money they’re making from all of those FREE VACCINES? Just when you thought it wouldn’t get worse, right? They’re giving us the poison so we can shed more of the virus!
But, we’re all ignoring our holy savior, Donald J. Trump. He knows everything. Didn’t you know? He runs the nation so well and he controlled the infection perfectly, so of course he knows how useless our vaccine is. I hope you realize that his expertise in the field of epidemiology can tell you about how perfect our solution of bleach and ivermectin is. Ivermectin kills parasites good, and don’t cha know, the China Virus is a gosh darned parasite on the great country of America? Never mind our dying grandparents, who cares about ‘em weak, old farts? Our country will be left with only the strong and worthy after this little flu passes through.
Did you know that 192% of all scientists are dirty, America-hating, COMMUNIST liberals? Yeah, and you’re gonna take a vaccine they say are safe? Who cares about a tiny little China virus anyway? Let your body deal with the virus with our American cures of bleach and ivermectin and you will be safe with our country.
(Mountain House) - Anti-Vaxxers
Over the years there have been a series of diseases and viruses that have plagued our societies across the world, and each one is worse than the one before. As of late there has been an increase in conflict on the topic of vaccines. Vaccines are meant to help build immunity within the communities to prevent the spread of viruses and diseases. Without the use of such vaccines the spread can occur when the -proper action is not taken. Many Anti-vaxxers believe that the government has found a way to microchip or track people through the vaccine itself. They feel that these massive vaccine distributions are a governmental tactic to control society without their knowing or consent. Since this uprising, there have been mass protests across the nation to try and remove the requirement to have been fully vaccinated to get into school and other public establishments. This quite frankly is the most idiotic idea i've ever hear. If there is scientific evidence proving that this vaccine is the only way to protect yourself and stop the spread, then it is your responsibility to protect yourself and the community. Not only that, but most of these theories are all conspiracies that have no proven evidence to back up their claims.
We Asked Famous Anti-Vaxxers Why They Don’t Take Vaccines, Here Are 5 of the Best Responses.
#1: Marjorie Taylor Greene
“Guys… I thought you all knew this. The vaccine that we’ve all been taken are funding the JEWS. AND THAT’S GONNA LET THEM BUILD THEIR SPACE LASER! Jared, you- what- CUT, guys, CUT! Jared, the hell do you mean "it's free?"
#2: Lee Haywood
“I hate how the government makes every citizen take their vaccine. Just like how it makes everyone have to put on their seatbelt. Our founding fathers would be rolling in their graves if they knew about how much the BIG GOVERNMENT wants to REMOVE OUR FREEDOM! Wait, Jared, nuh-uh, I did not say I got the vaccine. Nuh-uh-uh. I’ll sue you for libel. WAIT NO DON’T PLAY THE RECORDING-”
#3: Joe Rogan
“The vaccine doesn’t only make you shed dangerous virus particles, it also removes your natural aura of immunity. Your aura gets removed from just being in the same room as a vaxxed person. Don’t worry, you can restore your immunity with my $99.99 Homeopathic Cyanide and Ivermectin supplements, available for a limited time on the Joe Rogan webstore. Use code ROGAN for 10% off all cyanide supplements. Make sure to purchase my newsletter for only $9.99 a month to get the best news of America.”
#4: Donald Trump
“We should make America great again by STOPPING the COMMUNIST LIBERAL establishment from PUMPING DANGEROUS CHEMICALS into OUR VEINS! Instead, take OUR MIRACLE CURE IVERMECTIN and PUMP ALL-AMERICAN BLEACH into your veins. They will give you great, maybe the greatest, immunity the world has ever seen. God bless America.”
#5: Robert F. Kennedy Jr
“Just like my uncle John F. Kennedy served to make peace and freedom known throughout the whole world, I want to give America the freedom to refuse to take the vaccine. These communists are giving away free vaccines to everyone, what kind of stuff is in these? My uncle would never let this happen.(1) No, Jared, the vaccine isn’t safe. Stop pulling up that commie propaganda. Jared, stop it.”
Editor’s Note: John F. Kennedy actively pushed for health insurance.
Charlie, Mason, Alyssa, Ryan, Aditya, Kianna